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Eagerness & Blow Jobs – Lessons Learned From Gay and Bi Men

June 4, 2009

I recently witnessed a discussion in which the participants were debating whether men or women were better at going down on men. It was no surprise to me that most of the gay and bisexual men (who composed the group) felt that men did a better job. They should know, they’re likely to have been on both sides of it.

As I read the responses, one thing became more and more clear. It wasn’t that the men on the giving side knew any special tricks, or have better stamina, or even looked better doing it. In fact, several participants noted that women tend to look better while giving blow jobs. No, it wasn’t any of the those things.  The kicker was the sense of confidence and  gusto that their male partners have for giving blow jobs.   As the conversation continued, I couldn’t help but wonder how this opportunity to hear from men with special insight would impact my thoughts on the ways in which various genders approach giving oral sex to men.  

As I said, I was not surprised to hear that men in this group preferred oral sex from other men even if they were equally or more attracted to women.   I guess I had always assumed that this would be the case, for a variety of reasons. Perhaps the most often cited reason would be that one man knows best what another man likes, but I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. After all, sexy fun times are about a whole lot more than each partner’s skills.   As my thoughts continued to wander I wondered about other possible reasons.

 Look at it this way: lusty gay and bisexual men might be more likely to spend their evenings fantasizing about the opportunity to really enjoy giving a blow job. Women, on the other hand, may be more likely to spend their evenings (at the bar, at home, etc.)  surrounded by the expectation of it, or by men who are eager to badger her into it.  Yes, yes, there are 1 million exceptions to this, but might it be fair to make this generalization?

In situations like these, who is going to be more eager? I certainly think that eagerness is key to good oral sex, and that seemed to be the case for many of the people in the conversation.

 We can start with those broad social generalizations and the add experiences that individuals might have. How about a few, or perhaps many, intimate interludes where some guy didn’t keep up his end of the bargain after she pleasured him? After a few times like that, enthusiasm cannot help but… go down.

Now we face a vicious cycle: some guys get less eager to get oral sex when their partner doesn’t want to be there doing it, and could easily end up less eager to return the pleasure to their partners, or to later partners, as a result. This is certainly the same for women too, as we encounter a heck of a lot of men who are not eager to munch our muffins. Emotional baggage makes for declining quality, regardless of gender.  These scenarios seem disproportionately more common for women to endure. At the same time, it’s clearly affecting the partners of these women.

I’ll also add that women, as a gender, seem to worry more about performance and appearance when giving oral sex (and most other activities)  and that certainly will reduce eagerness. Several of the statements from other people in the discussion touched on that. Guys certainly get anxiety about sexual performance too, but it doesn’t seem like they worry about it as much while giving blow jobs.

 Excuses, excuses, right? So the ladies buck up and shove all the excuses in the corner and try really hard to do a great job that they can be proud of and that their gents will love. But then we have what everyone in the conversation kept saying: she is trying instead of wanting.

 In the end, in our culture it’s a taboo treat for a man to give a blow job to another man, and it is status quo from a woman to man.  Nothing can really change that for the time being.

 Perhaps a more concise way to say all of this would be:

 

He thinks: I love giving head, and he will love getting it from me.

She thinks: He loves getting head, and I will give him the kind of head he loves getting from me.

 

 All of this pondering was good and fun, but I wanted it to take me somewhere useful. It wasn’t long until I began to think about my clients and friends who share their more intimate thoughts about sexuality with me.   One big question kept looming in my mind.

 What would the differences be between the kind of blow job she knows he really wants, and the kind of blow job she would most enjoy giving?

Just imagine it.  No stress, uncertainty, performance anxiety, boredom, bitterness, discomfort or any of a million other un-sexy feelings.  This time, it’s different because she is there to enjoy herself however she during oral sex, along with whatever else they do. And what might his body say to hers in response?  Considering sex as body language, the messages she sends him and herself would be entirely different.  Just imagine what her body might tell his (and how).

I want to be here, this is what I enjoy, this is what turns me on about touching you, I am greedy with your body, I want to want, I deserve pleasure from both of us, I want every way we touch each other to drive me wild,  I love making these sensations on my lips and tongue… 

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. BarryIACS permalink
    June 5, 2009 4:06 am

    As a bisexual male since 11 I’ve had hundreds of women and thousands of men and I think it’s all very simple. An example, if I may. A man laying naked on a bed, playing with a hard-on and a woman walks in, and tends to roll her eyes. A man walks in and he’s filled with lust. The first makes you feel like a bit of a perv, and the other hot and ready. No Venus and Mars BS. The sexfuality between like sexes is identical and we can relate to each other. It’s at once a form of self love, servitude and control. When I give a bj, I’m there to eat him…I want it, and he can sense it.

    Honey, if your guy is bi and seeing him eat cock isn’t a turn-on, there’ll be a wall there. If it excites you, he’s all yours, like any man whose woman supports him. Get into bed with 2 or 3 bi guys and learn something like we have with 2-3 bi females.

    I give free lessons and demonstrations. LOL

  2. Eva permalink
    June 5, 2009 10:13 am

    It still amazes me how totally up tight we can be about our bodies, both men and women alike.
    It took me into my forties to be able to really talk in bed and not just rely on his moaning and groaning to let me know I was doing the right thing. That’s the first bit of liberation. Then I realized that if it was helping me so much to be given”instructions”, wouldn’t it help him to hear what I wanted in return?

    Now all men say they want you to tell them what you want, but some don’t want to listen. If I tell you that I need a gentle touch or I’ll start going numb, and they don’t stop firmly handling my tenderest parts…What a surprise…I’m numb!

    I don’t know how I got to this from what I just read, but back to topic, thankfully I recently married my most compatible sex partner (and life partner) and nothing pleases me more than making him squirm with ecstasy by giving him a hand/blow job. What could be more of a turn on than that?

    EMH

  3. Fewsexencelax permalink
    June 18, 2009 5:40 pm

    Thanks much for article. It’s really good stuff.
    I love to read exploringintimacy.wordpress.com!

  4. June 25, 2009 8:29 pm

    This page is great I have spent alot of time on the site and its great! I love your thoughts and insight.

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