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Friday Pleasure Post – Lasting Longer in Bed

November 7, 2008

Lusty but Speedy

Bunnies: Lusty but Speedy (click pic for source article)

This week’s Friday Pleasure Post is a Q & A from a recent workshop attendee on how she and her boyfriend can work together to help him last longer in bed.

Just as of recently, my boyfriend has been experiencing what I think is called premature ejaculation. He goes really quickly and then goes limp. We’ve been together for a while now, and are currently away at separate schools. The last couple of times that I visited him in New York City, he has had this problem. Any insight as to why this is happening or suggestions of what he/we can do? – Thanks, Trish

Keep reading after the jump for my response, with common reasons and lots of tips and resources!

Long distance relationships can be challenging enough (I was in one for 4 years before we tied the knot) without a concern like this, so I can certainly understand your interest in finding solutions! Hold on, this is going to be a long response!
There could be a huge number of reasons why this is happening. What I’ll do is start with some of the most common reasons and most popular solutions and we’ll go from there. I’ll also give you some links at the end for further information.
Before going into advice mode, let me take a moment to give you some background info on early ejaculation. Believe it or not, there is no set time that researchers or doctors consider to be the guideline for when “early” is! Typical intercourse lasts around 2 minutes, according to some of the research that I’ve read. Other sources suggest 3-13 minutes of intercourse. This is much shorter than most people think that couples are doing it, but can also be much longer than some couples last. Regardless, it is important that boy/girl couples find ways for her to experience safe and sexy pleasure in addition to intercourse. Manual & oral stimulation, as well as the addition of sex toys (like vibrators) are a wonderful way for couples to play in a way that pleases her and takes a lot of the stress off of him. Most women actually report that they get more physical satisfaction out of this than from intercourse, especially because it can be difficult to get that important clitoral stimulation from intercourse.
First of all, it can be very intense and exciting getting to see your partner after a long time apart. That, all by itself, can be enough to cause him to be done sooner. Even though it isn’t desirable for either of you, it is very normal and common in this kind of situation. This could be even more the case because he is probably a young adult, and younger men tend to experience even more intense sexual excitement.
If this is the root of the problem then here is some basic advice that might help, and which is commonly recommended to couples in your situation. First of all, if he is not already, he might want to consider masturbating earlier in the day to help release some of that sexual tension and give him a little more staying power. This is an activity the two of you can do together, or something he can take care of on his own. Of course, it requires that both of you be comfortable with the idea of him doing this. If you two decide to try this, make sure that you’re making it a fun activity (solo or together) and not something that is shameful or that he is doing as punishment for because there is something wrong with him. Really, it’s a great way for him to show his interest in pleasing you, by getting ready ahead of time for more fun with you later. Another possible suggestion is to use condoms, if you aren’t already. Condoms can make intercourse a bit less intense feeling. Of course, they’re also important to reduce the risk of catching anything or becoming pregnant. Do not ever use more than one condom at once, as friction between condoms is a bad thing.
Another possibility is stress. For most women, stress and performance anxiety kills the mood. This is true for some guys, but for other guys it can make them finish too soon. He might be dreading the thought of this happening again, and that (ironically enough) might make it more likely in the future. He can still use the advice about masturbating earlier in the day to help, but this is also a good time to explore those other forms of pleasure for you that I talked about above. This can help him be a total winner in bed by being a caring lover and an adventurous partner while also taking the pressure off him when it comes to intercourse. Sounds like a great plan for everyone! If he finishes too early anyway, the romance can continue with all of those other ways of pleasing. You might even find that if you continue to play together sexually, after a while he might be ready for more!
Regardless of why, he might want to try practicing how to last longer by prolonging masturbation & sex with a “start and stop” method. Often times people (especially guys) rush when they masturbate. Maybe they’re ashamed, maybe they want to finish before the roommate gets back, or maybe they just don’t see a reason to go slowly. This can develop into an unfortunate habit that repeats itself during intercourse. He may wish to practice masturbating slowly on his own, stopping and slowing down when he is close, then proceeding again when he is still erect but not about to finish. He can do the same thing with you, too! As he learns to know when his body is starting to get to the point of no return (by paying attention when he masturbates and slowing down), he can also change it up with you. He could stop thrusting and grind, or even just hold still and embrace you. He could even pull out and switch to another way of stimulating you (hands/mouth/toys/grinding, etc.). The options for being a really romantic partner are limitless like this. For example, he can pause to reach over and feed you a bite of delicious chocolate with his lips! Even stopping to change positions can be a fun way to give him a moment to get back in control.
Since you’re visiting him in New York, you might want to hop on the train to visit a wonderful sexuality store called Toys in Babeland, or just Babeland for short. There are several locations in NYC. I actually just took a friend to the Soho branch last month, and it was her first time in a classy sexuality boutique. The store is designed to be VERY friendly and welcoming (and fun) for women and couples. They have the best toys/books/lubes/games/etc. there, and their staff is highly trained and easy to talk to. They will be happy to help the two of you pick out perfect toys and find books full of sexy games where you can share pleasure without putting all of the responsibility on his penis.
I’m very glad that you and he are working together to find solutions to this concern, instead of suffering in silence and letting it become an even bigger issue. That says great things for the two of you. I look forward to hearing back from you, and until then you might also enjoy these informational links.
-Cory Silverberg is one the best sexuality educators in the world, both online and in person. His website is an excellent place to find answers and ideas – here
-Scarleteen is written for teen audiences, and doesn’t focus on pleasure as much as Cory sometimes does. However, it is a great place to learn the background information on your body, orgasms, and stuff like that. It’s also a site with a great reputation for solid information – here
– Believe it or not, some Universities are much more liberal about sex than yours. Columbia University’s health center does an online Q&A site with honest and direct answers to a wide range of sexual questions from college students. You can find the ones about sex – here. A similar question to yours is answered – here.
Read all of our Friday Pleasure Posts – here
Have fun!
Ruth N.

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