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Friday Pleasure Post: How To Talk Dirty

September 26, 2008

Special thanks to our guest blogger, Diva! Diva is a lady who certainly knows the art of dirty talk, saucy love letters, and daring liaisons. I can think of no one better to write today’s Pleasure Post on Dirty Talk.

In my humble opinion, the key to great sex is the freedom to be whoever you want throughout the whole experience. We spend too much of our days in the working world where the vast majority of us are slaves to Corporate America or a student at a University where the years are seemingly endless. When we’re young, sex seems more of a ‘want’ than anything. It takes an interesting turn the older we get. As we age, sex becomes more of a ‘need.’ It becomes something that makes us feel good, no matter what the circumstances are. It becomes a way for us to get lost in a world of passion and escape real life even if only for a very short time (and sometimes a VERY, VERY short time for some men).

(more after the jump)

Many people, however, are unfortunate in that they never learn the art of dirty talk. It’s a pretty even split down the middle as far as men versus women. I have met my fair share of both in the last few years. Some of the men I have been intimate with have shared this characteristic (that’s what I’m calling it for now). It was very disappointing for me once I realized that as much of a talker as he was out of the bedroom, once he entered the bedroom zone, he became a mute. A mute, as in totally silent, dead air, not a sound. You could have heard a pin drop in that room.

I tried my damndest to get something out of his mouth. Most of the time, all I got were quiet moans and sighs (which are good too, don’t get me wrong). I found myself closing my eyes and imagining I was fucking someone who WASN’T a mute (yes, someone particular). I mean, in order for a man to be deemed ‘a good fuck’ in my eyes, he has to be able to perform physically and talk the talk. I want to hear words. Strong words. Hot words. Words that make me want to burst and have the greatest orgasm in the world merely at their mention. Words that make me want to have my wrists held down and fucked silly. I am super verbal once you get me in the bedroom mode. I’m a talker to the tenth power. I find that when I’m vocal, I enjoy the experience a hell of a lot more. In fact, it’s not possible for me to be quiet during sex.

Learning ‘the art of dirty talk’ was a difficult lesson for me; however, once I mastered it, I was dubbed ‘the best.’ Oh sure, at the beginning, I felt foolish as all hell. I couldn’t say the words he wanted me to say. They almost felt foreign coming out of my mouth. They sounded unnatural and artificial coming out of me. The guy that I was with had already mastered the art of dirty talk by the time he met me but once he opened the door to it, I learned quickly. I went from this totally innocent girl never having had an orgasm to a masturbation addict who stayed in bed all day using the toy he bought me. By the time he came home from work, my clit was sore, but I was ready to fuck his brains out.

My goal here is to give you a few helpful tips on achieving this feat. You can read all the books, columns, articles, or blogs you want but it’s up to you to find your own style. Take the information and make it your own.

BECOME THE CHARACTER. Ladies, if you don’t feel sexy, you can’t act sexy, plain and simple. If you have low self-esteem, do something about it. Go get your hair done (A new cut and hair color will do wonders. Trust me.) or your nails done. Buy a new outfit that makes you feel sexy and desirable.

BECOME A READER. Buy a porn magazine of your choice, preferably with sexual stories in it and read it out loud to yourself. I’m serious, it really does work. You have to get comfortable saying those words out loud to yourself before you can be comfortable saying them in front of someone else. Otherwise, you’ll still feel foolish and your partner will be disappointed.

KNOW YOUR BODY. If you don’t know what you like or what turns you on, how can you relay that to your partner? You must explore your own body. I insist that you leave immediately after you finish reading this blog entry and head to the nearest sex toy store. A few dollars could save you 15% or more on car insurance…errr I mean could give you 100% more pleasure in the bedroom!

LET THE MUSIC MOVE YOU. Juicy Fruit gum is advertised to move you (in the 80’s it was, anyway). However, it will take more than gum to move you (and if not, congratulations on being inspired by gum!). I am suggesting you find some music that will allow you to change into the person you want to be. I have a number of songs that do this for me saved in my library of music.For the people who are more LOVERS than animals:

– Love Scene – Joe (simply put, this song will make you melt if you really listen to the words)
– Stay – Jodeci
– Till the cops come knockin – Maxwell

For the people who are more ANIMALS than lovers:

– Bilingual – Jose Nunez (Shit. Fuck. Damn. Google the lyrics. You won’t be sorry.)
– Lick – Joi
– Closer – Nine Inch Nails (seriously cliché but hot nonetheless!)

Lay back on your bed, put these songs on and listen closely to the words. Listen to how they say the words, how the words FEEL to you, and how you would feel hearing them said to you or YOU saying them to someone else. Most importantly, you need to figure out how to communicate what you want to your partner. Once you tell them, there will be a tremendous weight lifted off your shoulders. You’ll hear the angels on high singing. Well maybe not. That might be a stretch of truth there. But hopefully you’ll hear some kind of sexual sounds. If not, you did a piss-poor job.

PRACTICE. PRACTICE. PRACTICE. I recommend starting with a phone conversation if you feel foolish face to face. Lower your voice to almost a whisper and imagine saying it to them as if you were laying next to each other. I find that it’s easier to say them in a whisper when you’re first starting out. That way if you feel weird saying a word or two, you can at least feel a little more comfortable knowing it wasn’t said in a loud manner.

GET A CLOSE FRIEND TO CONFIDE IN. Ladies, you all know how important it is to have 1 close girlfriend or a close network of girlfriends to confide in. I know I have one (she happens to be the owner of this site!) and I’m telling you that she is the most non-judgmental friend I have in this world. Every girl needs that.And fellas, you know you guys talk in guy-language to each other albeit different than girl talk. It’s important to maintain the guy-network just as much as it is for us girls.

In closing, I’d just like to say that it really is possible to become the master of dirty talk. Just for shits and giggles, say this with me.

Cock. Pussy. Cunt. Cum. Fuck. Squirt. Dick. Shoot. Load. Nut. Blow. Eat. Bite. Pound. Beat. Hurt. Spank. Smack. Suck. Lick.

Happy sexing!

Read all of our Friday Pleasure Posts – here

Read Diva’s guide to hooking up online – here

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27 Comments leave one →
  1. September 26, 2008 7:32 pm

    Definitely good tips. Dirty talk can really elevate the satisfaction of sex.

  2. September 30, 2008 2:23 am

    This is such a wonderful post. Definitely helpful and informative to people seeking information and sharing the same sentiments. Dirty talking is definitely a plus in bed. It doesn’t only attract your partner’s attention but also, give you both a good laugh or shrug. Anyways, I would like to invite you also to check out — you might find it interesting and useful. Cheers! More tips like these…

  3. October 4, 2008 10:58 pm

    I know just what you mean….I once dated a guy that never shut up, but in the bedroom NOT a word…made me feel so uncomfortable; I never knew if he was enjoying himself or not, AND he would ‘shush’ me if I talked. Now I am with a man that is amazing at expressing himself….what a turn on to hear all the “oh fuck….damn you’re sexy…your pussy feels so good…..” It makes all the difference in the world!


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